Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: And we're rolling.
[00:00:01] Speaker B: Alright.
Can I hit your thing again?
[00:00:05] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: And welcome back to another episode of Apartment One.
[00:00:10] Speaker A: R. This is the uneducated diaries of the mentally ill with Michael and me.
This is the Uneducated Observations, the Delusional Diaries of the Mentally Ill. And we are back with another episode. And by another episode, I mean a very special episode. This is the Halloween episode.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:00:32] Speaker A: So happy Halloween, all of you ghouls and goblins and gals.
[00:00:36] Speaker B: We're really getting our Halloween stuff together, right? Like our living room is all decorated now.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: Like it's very autumnal. It's very Halloweeny around here.
[00:00:47] Speaker B: It definitely wasn't 90 degrees this morning.
[00:00:50] Speaker A: No, we're not taping this in August. That's not the case. No, it's Hollywood. It's magic. It's Halloween.
[00:00:58] Speaker B: It's Halloween.
[00:00:59] Speaker A: So happy Halloween. Whether it be Halloween that you're listening to this, or whether it be August 30 that you're listening to this, happy Halloween, Michael. Hi, Ollie.
[00:01:09] Speaker B: What perturbs you?
[00:01:11] Speaker A: This is coming from someone who works in the food industry. This is coming from someone who from time to time, enjoys being a guest at a restaurant. What are we doing walking into a restaurant five minutes before they close? What are you doing?
What are you doing? Do you like suffering? Do you like watching everyone around you suffer? When I go out, which is rare to a restaurant, I like to give myself plenty of time. Okay? I sit down, I have my glass of water with plenty of ice. I take my time, I lounge like the waitress comes over. I say, Actually, I'll take a minute. I'm taking my time here. You're busy. Go run around to your other tables. Give me a minute. Circle back to me when you have a minute. Because I'm here to take my time. I'm going to start with an abbey. Maybe it's a chips and salsa, maybe it's a hummus.
Then I want my entree served to me. Hot and drinks throughout, water being filled throughout. I'm in no business of going somewhere five minutes before they close and rushing. As an enjoyer of the restaurant industry, I have zero interest in that. As a server in the restaurant industry, it makes my skin crawl.
[00:02:26] Speaker B: Me too.
[00:02:26] Speaker A: Would you go out to a restaurant with the hopes of being rushed out of the door?
[00:02:31] Speaker B: For those of you who think the world revolves around you and that you are a gravitational force and that everything should just float towards you, look inward. There's a whole kitchen. Workers, managers who feel a depth of pain when you order five minutes before closing. They started pre closing an hour before you came in. But now they have to start from scratch, reverse the work that they've done so that they can get on their hour long commute home, or however long it is, just to start the day again. And it's foul.
[00:03:09] Speaker A: It's foul and even selfishly. Don't you want to sit down and enjoy yourself? There's a certain pleasure, there's a certain order to the things. When you go out, you work hard for your money. You don't want to go out and rush. You don't want to go out and piss people off. You don't want to go out and get a half ass service. You want the luxury experience, don't you? Don't you want to check your phone, see what time the restaurant closes? Give you plenty of time to sit down and enjoy yourself? Why are we OOH, I made it five minutes before. Are you guys open? Yeah, we closed in five minutes. OOH, I made it. You didn't make anything. You only made a mistake. You made everyone pissed off. Yeah, you didn't make mistake.
You didn't plan out. Go to a different restaurant. This restaurant that you're in right now closes at eight. It's 750. There's plenty of restaurants. You could throw a stone and find a restaurant that closes at eleven.
They want to get home to their.
[00:04:00] Speaker B: Families and see their child.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: They want to go home and maybe they just want to relax, but they can't because now you're here. And if you are going to be that person, which you shouldn't be, but if you are going to be that person, let's make it easy. Say, hey, I'm going to do two beers because the bar is going to start closing. Let me get two beers out of the way. I'll sip one. One's gonna sit to the side until my entree comes. I'm gonna do an appetizer and an entree. But you could bring them out together. And do me a favor. When the food comes, bring the check so I could just sign it and get out of here. Okay? Work with us. Help me help you. You're not going to get the five star experience five minutes before close.
[00:04:40] Speaker B: Yeah, work with us. If your phone, your arms, you're all over the table. When your food's on its way, I have to go through your shoulder.
And then sometimes they see me struggling and they literally don't move. It's like you have to do you want me to grab your phone? Do you want me to touch your items, your possessions, and move them for you? That's weird.
[00:05:04] Speaker A: I haven't served in like a year ish because I've been bartending. And I picked up a table, a tentop the other day and I remembered very quickly why I stopped serving. It's very intimate. My ass is on someone's uncle. I'm trying to get the I'm like, this is way too intimate. They're not moving out of the way. I'm like, I have to get here and I have to grab this. I have to go over your body. Like, I literally had to straddle someone's grandpa to get the cup. Let's scooch out of the way for a second.
Let's help me help you. What are you doing?
[00:05:37] Speaker B: Your food's going to get there clean, safe. If you just leave the space, the.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: Waitress comes over with a hot scolding. There's steam coming up from her fingertips, her blackened fingertips, numb, shaking from the.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: Hot plate tray on their shoulder, balancing other food as they do it.
[00:05:54] Speaker A: I guess there are certain people who believe that, again, the world revolves around them. And unless your names are Holly and Michael, that's not the case. Okay? So sit down. Again, we live in the 21st century. It's 2023. You can Google or, God forbid, call a restaurant and find out what time they close. Maybe call them, make a reservation, say, hey, I know it's a little late. The kitchen is still open, right? It's cool. If I can come in with four people, don't show up at the door five minutes angry, you're already angry. Don't do it. You're out to enjoy yourself. What are we doing? We're spreading misery around the world. Let's look inward on that. And if you find yourself in a group and one of the people says, OOH, this restaurant closes in ten minutes yeah, say, let's not do that, then someone needs to speak up.
[00:06:41] Speaker B: Don't be a bystander.
[00:06:42] Speaker A: Don't be a bystander. Don't go in and say, sorry. No, you should have just not come. But I digress. The moral of the story here is go fuck yourself.
[00:06:53] Speaker B: Go fuck yourself.
[00:06:54] Speaker A: Oh, fuck yourself.
[00:06:55] Speaker B: Like, Jesus Christ, you're all a bunch of jerk.
[00:06:59] Speaker A: Woffs, you're a jerk off. And another thing, one last thing. The other day, we go, okay, we're closing. The lights go on. We're doing last call. The kitchen's closed. Do you guys need anything else? They said, we don't need anything else, but our friends are joining us. They're just at the pizza shop down the street. So we're just going to have to pull in a few chairs to the table. We said the lights went on. We said, you got to go. Like, what are you doing? This isn't a park. This is a restaurant. This isn't a park. Just because the doors are unlocked does not mean you're welcome all the time. So let's get that through your little head.
[00:07:32] Speaker B: Look around. Are there other people there? Are you the only ones there holding a whole staff against their will?
[00:07:39] Speaker A: And then how can you enjoy yourself? I can't enjoy myself in those circumstances. If I'm looking around and I go, Everyone here hates me. That's not a room I want to be in under any circumstance. You're paying for that experience. You're paying to go out and be hated.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: You know what it is? We're a couple of empaths. We really absorb the feelings of our fellow worker.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: And I'm a witch, so I just pick up on that kind of stuff. Oh, my God. We're rolling.
He has issues. Do I need to tone it down? Do I need to tone everything down?
Hunting. Carnivores hunting, halloween and parades.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Empty dark souls. A black pit in your stomach, a.
[00:08:25] Speaker A: Hollowing of the wallet, much like the.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: Black hole in space that destroys everything that gets sucked into its path. That's what bar hunters are.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: Hunters, hoppers, jumpers, movers and shakers, quaker Oats.
Let's normalize. The next time your friend says, can.
[00:08:46] Speaker B: We go bar hopping?
[00:08:49] Speaker A: Normalize, slapping them in the face. You know what I mean? I think we as a culture have moved past the point where we need to be in la la land and in fantasy land all the time. I know bar hopping sounds really good on paper. I understand the vision and I understand the fantasy. I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself. You want to go in? You want to stop in? You want to start with something light? Maybe you get a mimosa here, chips. You move on to the next place. Maybe you switch it over to a margarita. I get the fantasy. The reality is, you and everyone around you is going to be miserable from the moment you leave your house until the moment you get into your bed.
[00:09:29] Speaker B: Literally.
[00:09:29] Speaker A: Am I wrong?
[00:09:30] Speaker B: Yeah. No, you're not wrong. How are you going to come home with a story if you haven't even gotten through the buffer stage of the bar scene? You kind of have to. Hi. Hey, how are you? It's been a long time. Get a drink in you and let the narrative unroll. But before you give the story a chance, you get on a fucking 30 minutes line. A line that's going to give you maybe five minutes of satisfaction before the hole implodes into nothingness again. And you need to go to another bar.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: We are talking bar hoppers. We are talking travelers, and what we like to call hunters. Always on the hunt for the next club. You know them, you've hung out with them. Maybe you are one, maybe you are the problem. If you walk into a bar and your immediate thought is, what's the next vibe? You're the problem.
I'm the type of person where it takes me about four drinks before I'm loosey goosey in the club. Okay? So if we're doing this one drink here also, I declined going to Six Flags recently because I just didn't want anything to do with waiting on a line. And I love Six Flags, but lately, being on a line for me, I would rather eat glass.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: That's why everyone pays for those. Fucking broke ass bitches will pay for those easy pass tickets.
[00:10:48] Speaker A: So if you find yourself maybe 20 minutes on a line to get in the club, here $10 cover fee. You go in, $14 drink, you leave a $2 tip. OOH. Ariana's on. What's? The wave, guys.
What's the vibe? You guys want to go uptown? No, I don't want to go uptown. I don't even want to be here. But it's too late. We waited 20 minutes to get in here. So we're going to get our fucking money's worth. We're going to get our time in, okay?
[00:11:16] Speaker B: We should tell the story of the discovery of this. Okay, so the Pride parade in New York City. It's a big deal. It's a huge deal. It's replaced the feeling of Christmas, I think. I don't know why, but it's just something in the air. It's like Easter morning or some shit. A holiday. It's a holiday. And I went to the Village, and there were just thousands of people in the streets, dancing in the streets, literally on taxicabs twerking, on cop cars, like, literally climbing like monkeys just all over the city, just animals. It was beautiful. Dancing. It was beautiful. The opportunity came up to go to Brooklyn, presented itself to go to do I say the name of the place? Is this club? The house of indeed.
[00:12:04] Speaker A: The House of Shore.
[00:12:05] Speaker B: The House of yeah, let's do it.
[00:12:07] Speaker A: The home of why not?
[00:12:08] Speaker B: And that was my soul. The home of why not? So that's what I did. I walked into a desolate, steaming hot, foul subway station and drifted away from the festivity, the spirit. I walked away from it and then stood on a line outside of The House of let's do It yolo, only to discover that it was two packed. There was a cover fee. No one wanted to do it. So we ended up sitting on a bench and talking. It was a nice conversation, but we could have had so much fun for free in the streets of the Village on that very night. The feeling haunted me and lingered within me that I walked away that night.
[00:12:46] Speaker A: That was two years ago. And that was the pride that I stayed my ass in my mattress. And it was probably the best pride I've ever had. I realize parades aren't my thing.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: Well, what makes it so nice is.
[00:12:56] Speaker A: The afterwards, because I like Miss Washington Square Park. I like sitting down on a blanket, smoking, blasting a little speaker, mingling with the lesbian next to you.
[00:13:05] Speaker B: But even if you're walking, which I did this current year, me and Simone, we were just walking around. We didn't have a real destination. If you're on the hunt, there's a level of impatience, expectations, exhaustion.
[00:13:18] Speaker A: Yeah, I like the mingling.
[00:13:19] Speaker B: If you go on just a walk and there's no point b that you're trying to get to, it's really nice because there's just stimulation you're like in this weird cartoon world of thousands of know. I really recommend, if you don't live in New York, just coming out for one year for the Pride Parade, but.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: Prepare yourself, because it's hell, okay?
[00:13:39] Speaker B: But you can't be a hunter. You have to just embrace what is. When I got home that night, I discovered you at home tired, exhausted. Immediately I knew what happened. Michael was dragged into the hunt.
[00:13:54] Speaker A: I smell blood.
I fell victim to the hunt. Now, you might be asking yourself, what is a hunter? What are these fags on about? The hunter is the bar hopper. The hunter is the let's go. Here we go to point B. Oh, well, I heard point C was lit. Let's go to point C. Oh, but just uptown at point D. I heard there was okay, let's go to point D. Do you guys want to do karaoke? Because they have it at point E. We just have to okay, let's go. We go to point E. They're always on to the next thing. They never can allow themselves to soak in the moment for what it is and allow yourself to kind of get into that place. Maybe it takes you four drinks. Maybe it takes until your molly starts hitting, whatever the case may be, until you're then able to jive it out, kind of get into the vibe, kind of relax into it. And really, that's when the magic starts. When you relax into it. That's when the magic starts, when you're.
[00:14:49] Speaker B: Waiting online for the bathroom and you meet somebody you wouldn't have met if you were dragged out of that bar.
[00:14:54] Speaker A: Or you end up on a party bus, because instead of going and waiting in lines at the bar, you decided to mingle with people in the park, so you end up in a party bus. It's those magical moments that you're missing out on when the only thing you care about is going to point B, wherever that is. And that's what I fell victim to yet again. And it's something that happens at every parade. It happens at the Halloween parade. It happens at the pride parade. It happens at the St. Patrick's Day parade. People think because there's a parade that bar life needs to be involved. And what I've learned in my young adulthood is that I'm an alcoholic, okay? I don't need a holiday to go get drunk in a bar and embarrass myself. I don't need an excuse. So when there is a holiday, when there is a holiday, everyone wants to go to the bar.
Why would we do that today? It doesn't make any sense.
[00:15:42] Speaker B: Let's say you go to the bar. You cough up the courage to spend the last few dollars that you have to be in a crowded, loud place. Mama, what are you getting from going to another place that's exactly the same?
[00:15:55] Speaker A: Because they like the word bar hop. What'd you do? We bar crawled.
What'd you guys do last night? I was lit, like we bar crawled. No, it wasn't lit. It wasn't lit at all.
My feet hurt. I was exhausted. I hate when I finally start mingling with someone, and there's a characteristic of joy in my eyes and an awakening of the soul, and I hear the tap tap tap of my fingers of some bitch trying to drag me to the next club. Hell to the motherfucking. No, I'm going to stay here. I'm going to work my shit out here because I'm getting comfortable, and that's where I like to live. I like to be comfortable. So I've learned, don't go to bars for me, okay? Everyone has different things. I'm never going to a bar on a parade day ever again. Let's use the pride parade. For example, I go to gay bars all the time. I go because I'm surrounded by the community fellow queers. There's good music. Maybe it's disco, maybe it's house. There's cheap drinks, strong drinks and good energy. Free to get in a community. None of those things exist on the day of the Pride Parade. There's a line outside the door. There's a cover fee. It's filled with straight women. The drinks are overpriced and somehow not as strong as they usually are. All of the members of the community that you see on a day to day basis are nowhere to be found. And the only thing blasting is Ariana Grande remixes. So I declare that the Pride Parade is a straight holiday where straight people kind of get to go to straight gay bars and be like, Woo. It's a holiday. Which is know, let's not guess, whatever. But it's a learning thing. I've learned that it's not for me.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: You never really liked the hunt during.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: The Pride Parade, I was always miserable.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: Because you knew the outcome.
[00:17:34] Speaker A: It's a cycle. Every time. Every time I'm exhausted, I have sunburn, shoulder to shoulder, going to the next club someone's running, I slow down. You're in a group like Craziness Mayhem. And not the fun kind because I love some craziness in Mayhem. Let's go to the park and do molly and talk to strangers and get naked. You know, like, that's what I'm into. I'm not into waiting on the sidewalk. I'm not into the COVID fee. I'm not into going uptown. I'm not doing any of know. So fuck the hunt. I'm a stay where I am. You don't need hunts. We're not hunting and gathering. We're not hunts. Catch up.
[00:18:07] Speaker B: You end up spending money on three Ubers around town. If it's a place with really bad music, all right?
[00:18:14] Speaker A: It's one thing to go into a club and say, this isn't let's go to somewhere else. I know a better spot. That's wonderful. That happened the other day on our friend Arya's birthday at Bar A. Someone had made a suggestion that Bar B was much nicer. Open very late, cheap drinks, good music, good dance floor, good vibes. We went there. It was wonderful. Okay, that's fine. Going out with the intention to go from here to here to here to here to here to here to here to here, fit it all into one day. It's not happening. It's not reality. It's nasty. It's disgusting. It's trifling. It's tired. It's really tired.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:47] Speaker A: Do you want to know what I, for a long time in my life, rejected. But I realized that not only is there a time and a place for it, but that time and place is now. I love a basic ass outfit with cat ears and going I'm a cat for Halloween. I love that. I love a sweater that says, this is my costume. I love pumpkin earrings on a regular outfit. I respect that I'm indifferent because for a long time, I was like, bitch, where's the fantasy? Where's the drama? Because that's for me. Because when I think Halloween, I want to dress up. I want to dress up. I want to plan out a look. I want messy makeup. I want to look gross and ugly. Like. That's what I like for Halloween. So I rejected this whole thing of college girls dressing up as cats, whatever. Now I love it when I see it because I feel like it's a moment in history. It really is.
[00:19:34] Speaker B: I couldn't give two shits. I mean, it's like, I don't have.
[00:19:38] Speaker A: Anything against does it excite me? Like, I would much rather you go above and beyond with your look. However, there's something charming about just like a little black eyeliner on the cheek is whiskers. Okay, fine. Do your thing. Do your thing. Because I'm all about comfort now. I'm all about comfort. I did the slotty Halloween thing before where I was, like, shivering cold. Yeah, not at my age. No, ma'am.
[00:20:01] Speaker B: We're going to be outside.
[00:20:02] Speaker A: I want to be warm the day of Halloween. I want to be crunching around. I want my face to be cold from the autumn air. I want to be crunching around on some leaves outside as the wind whisks them into a small tornado around my foot. That's the fantasy I want.
[00:20:18] Speaker B: Yeah. Happy Halloween. I hope you get all your Halloween movies in. I hope whatever stimulation is lacking, you get it in Fear and Magic.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: Give me your quick top three Halloween movies that you need to watch this Halloween season. I'll give you mine.
[00:20:33] Speaker B: Okay?
[00:20:33] Speaker A: Go hocus pocus one. If you want to do hocus pocus two, fine, but like Hocus pocus one.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: Halloween town.
[00:20:39] Speaker A: Halloween town, for sure. Halloween town and then a nice, like, Disney episode maybe. It's sweet. Life is Zack and Cody Halloween episode. Something like that. Throw on the monster mash.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: If you're listening to this on your.
[00:20:51] Speaker A: Community, first of all, it's inevitable that a lot of you viewers are going to be on the hunt this year. And by the hunt, you know what we mean now. So I'm just going to formally apologize to you because I know that it's going to ruin your Halloween. And I'm sorry that you're going to have to go through that. And you're going to post pictures, and you're going to lie to yourself and say you had a good time, but you know deep down inside that you feel unfulfilled. So I apologize that you're going through that.
[00:21:12] Speaker B: And you might resent this episode for speaking the truth, a truth you don't want to admit to. You might listen to this episode and then be like, I'm still going to bar hop. Like the fuck?
[00:21:23] Speaker A: Maybe that's your thing. And if that's the case, seek medical help, get medicated. But until then, love you.
[00:21:31] Speaker B: Love you. Hate you.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: I hate to love you. Stop it. I hate you.
[00:21:36] Speaker B: You're just so crazy.
You want to go to another bar. You're such a little adventurer.
[00:21:42] Speaker A: This place is lame. This place is lame.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: This guy just talked to me and.
[00:21:49] Speaker A: Like, oh, my God.
[00:21:52] Speaker B: Guys, let's go. Guys, come on. There's a place over there.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: Wait, there's, like an Instagram museum up the street. We should go. Have you guys ever been to the Museum of Sex? Let's go, guys.
[00:22:06] Speaker B: There's, like a rooftop party that costs $60 to get into. Like, come on. It's Halloween.
[00:22:10] Speaker A: Come on.
[00:22:11] Speaker B: You never do anything.
[00:22:12] Speaker A: You're young. You're always at work. Like, come on. Just spend $60 to wait online for 20 minutes, go in, get the cheapest, most disgusting quality alcohol for $40, and dance to shit music.
If you're a real friend, you would do that for me.
[00:22:27] Speaker B: Like, stop. Come on. Come on. No.
[00:22:29] Speaker A: Come on. Enough with the hunt. This is a Heinz house. No hunt here.
[00:22:33] Speaker B: Oh, you know, it's a good Halloween thing. Cults. And you should join one. And by join one, I mean you should join our cult here at apartment.
[00:22:44] Speaker A: One r the Uneducated Diaries of the Mentally Ill. Come join us because I.
[00:22:49] Speaker B: Know you're mentally ill. And it's okay, you know, it's okay, you know that it gives you some points in society. If you're not mentally ill, who the fuck are you? You're just some normie. If you're not mentally ill and your story and your narrative isn't a tragedy, you're just a normie. And you guys aren't that. No, you guys are mentally ill, which means you're part of our cult. So just accept it.
[00:23:15] Speaker A: You've made it two seasons deep into this bullshit. You have a problem. You have a real problem, and we're the solution. So we're happy to have you. And we love you. We love you.
[00:23:24] Speaker B: Yeah. The problem isn't us. The problem is yourself, okay?
[00:23:27] Speaker A: And we are the only thing that could fix you.
[00:23:29] Speaker B: Because let me tell you something, alcohol will only work for so long, okay? Drugs, eventually. They just don't have magic. What you need is intense love. Desperate love for your leaders.
[00:23:43] Speaker A: And that's us. We're your leaders. Okay, baby?
[00:23:47] Speaker B: So join us next time.
[00:23:49] Speaker A: Boo boo. Bye.
This is always terrible. I know. We need an exit line, so we're.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: Going to go ahead and fuck off.
[00:23:59] Speaker A: We're going to go fuck off. Remember?
[00:24:01] Speaker B: Hashtag, are you joking?
[00:24:03] Speaker A: Hashtag, are you joking? Blah, blah, blah. Go to our instagram. Blah, blah, blah. Love you. You I mean it. You're so gorgeous.
[00:24:13] Speaker B: Stop it.
[00:24:14] Speaker A: You look so good. You look so good.
[00:24:18] Speaker B: Shut the fuck up.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: Oh, my God, you look so good.
Take care of yourself, too.
