Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome back to another episode of Apartment.
[00:00:02] Speaker B: One r. Welcome back to welcome back to another episode of Apartment One R.
[00:00:08] Speaker A: It is crisp and chilly out there but not in here where we're sweating.
[00:00:12] Speaker B: We are sweating balls, ladies and gentlemen. And it is all for you because we love you. We really don't. We have a lot in store today for episode three. As you could see outside maybe the air is changing. There's something a little bit spooky maybe a little bit magical in the air which we could talk about later. Our topic is something along the lines of a wick and candle or a wicked flame or a sandwich which is best served under a crescent moon. But first, I want to know what perturbs you.
[00:00:48] Speaker A: Michael, I'm going to answer this question by asking you a question. Some time ago, you had a spontaneous yearning for a honeydew melon. Can you tell the story? Your experience, your motions?
[00:01:01] Speaker B: I was out for a walk and I was at a point in my life where maybe I had been dehydrated. Maybe I had been hungover, malnourished, what have you. And on the sidewalk, I saw a beautiful display. It was a garbage bag that had been ripped open by an animal with garbage sprawled out on the splintering hot sidewalk. And part of that garbage was a rotting melon. Now, even in its dilapidated state the smell alone, the sight of it, the juices it just I had to go get a melon. I had to. So I went and got some melon. Right.
[00:01:40] Speaker A: So what I'm hearing from you is instinctual. Nature told you you needed that melon.
[00:01:47] Speaker B: Told me I needed the melon.
[00:01:48] Speaker A: And what was your experience when you had the melon?
[00:01:52] Speaker B: It was almost as if I'd never eaten anything before in my entire life. I became a ravenous animal. I was connected to the water, the sand, the wind, the ocean, the good, the bad, the ugly. In that moment of eating the melon profound.
It was a spiritual moment for me.
[00:02:12] Speaker A: Did you feel it quenched your thirst?
[00:02:15] Speaker B: It was as if hunger and thirst and exhaustion and all of these things were wrapped up into one solvable problem with a bite of a melon something.
[00:02:26] Speaker A: That can be plucked right from the Earth. For a human, it's the perfect size.
[00:02:30] Speaker B: For a human, it fits right in your hand. You crack it open. It's bright. It smells delicious. It's tasty.
[00:02:36] Speaker A: It's jackpot.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: It's the jackpot.
[00:02:38] Speaker A: Now, I want you to imagine believing in your heart and your soul that melons were somehow dangerous to the human body. Imagine seeing them as a threat. Can you?
[00:02:52] Speaker B: I would like to opt out of that. I don't want to put myself in that headspace.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: Right. Because you would be depriving yourself of God's gift.
[00:03:01] Speaker B: Correct.
[00:03:02] Speaker A: But imagine being so weak minded and misguided as to believe that bacon is healthier than a juicy honeydew. Ripe.
[00:03:12] Speaker B: Who told you that?
[00:03:13] Speaker A: The world.
Fatty, greasy, flesh cancerous pigs slaughtered in an unhygienic and mismanaged factory are healthier than the sweet, juicy, hydrating gifts provided directly from our magical Earth. A straight piece of nature, ripened and ready to be plucked and picked by human hands. Would you believe this, Michael? Would you believe it if I told you that people believe that bacon is better than I?
[00:03:41] Speaker B: And the sad part is, the reality is I would believe that. I would believe that people roam this earth thinking that. Is it scary? Yes. Is it wild? Is it wild? Absolutely wild.
[00:03:54] Speaker A: Disturbing, wouldn't you say?
[00:03:55] Speaker B: It's disturbing.
[00:03:56] Speaker A: And this is what perturbs me, Michael.
It will haunt me every morning, every night, just in the back of my mind against the face of evidence. Frightening, solid evidence. What perturbs me is what you might call keto.
[00:04:14] Speaker B: So here's the thing. My mom just went keto, and this is what I told. I had negative thoughts at first because she knows I've chat, talk keto, I've Shattak keto until the cows go to the glue factory, okay?
She's aware. She said it's not a lifestyle. It's because I'm a vain bitch and I need to lose weight. And until I do that and then I'm going to go back to normal.
[00:04:32] Speaker A: That'S what it was designed for. And I don't know where we got this idea that it's a lifestyle, that people of a healthy weight are giving up fruit entirely to only eat meat with the desire of being healthier.
[00:04:47] Speaker B: It makes no sense. It makes no sense. And I'm not going to sit here and claim to be, I don't know, a healthy person, but I'm not the healthy person. But I'm also not delusional. I know I'm unhealthy with my vegan Ben and Jerry's ice cream and my beyond burgers and French fries.
I never claim to be healthy. So if you're going to sit here and claim to be healthy when all you're doing is eating deep fried red meat, girl, it doesn't take Dr. Phil, it doesn't take a PhD to think a melon probably is a little bit healthier than greasy, oily, shriveled, salted, fat jerky know. It doesn't take Nicole Kidman's. You know what I mean? It's common sense, right? It feels right to eat a melon. It doesn't feel right to go all day eating red meat and fried chicken and being like, I'm healthier than you.
[00:05:43] Speaker A: And I think, good for your mom, good for anyone who's using, because I have heard it helps. But I would say that it's not that that perturbs me, because she doesn't believe fruits are harmful to the body, whereas a substitute should be flesh from an unidentified location.
[00:06:04] Speaker B: Hundreds of cows.
It literally sounds as mashed up into a single patty wrapped in plastic bleached of its blood. The thing that pisses me off is a bitch that compares keto to vegan. We're not the same girl. We'll never be the same girl. Okay? So sit the fuck down. I'm not over here on a high horse, but I'll get my ass on a high horse. If you try to compare the two of us because we're not the same. That's first of all. And the difference is you might be skinnier than me, but your cum tastes like salt and mine tastes like pineapples. All you're eating is cheeseburgers with no bun. And you're saying that you're healthy. Are you delusional? Are you crazy?
[00:06:44] Speaker A: The person who has a shiny face.
Okay, I'm getting too mean. I'm getting too mean. We have a bunch of misguided zombies wandering the earth, getting ready for a heart attack.
And the ones that I'm speaking of are Instagrammers.
[00:07:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Also, why are you keto if you're not, like, heavy? It's a weight loss temporary extremist diet for weight loss.
[00:07:11] Speaker A: This is the thing that spooks me. It's spooky season. And really, this spooks me more than a lot of things. Never again imagine never again eating a fruit. A luscious. Think oranges during the ripe season, a.
[00:07:27] Speaker B: Nectarine dripping down your chin. That's the type of greasy face I want.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: Yeah. No apple cider.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: Oh, my God, I love apple cider.
[00:07:36] Speaker A: All of the things because they are a threat.
[00:07:39] Speaker B: Or God forbid, a piece of bread. God forbid rice.
[00:07:43] Speaker A: Oh, can you not have that when you're keto?
[00:07:45] Speaker B: No carbs, mom. No carbs.
[00:07:47] Speaker A: Mary wait, so literally, what can you eat so you can eat? Literally, so it is literal that you can only eat meat or I guess an avocado. I know they can throw an avocado in there.
[00:07:56] Speaker B: Yeah. It's like there's some lettuce and some vegetables and meat. Mary and cheese.
It's like, oh, I'm not going to get the salad with peaches in it because I'm keto. So I'll just take the chicken wings.
[00:08:09] Speaker A: Do me a favor. Go on Instagram and search up keto in the whatever the fuck that place where random shit shows up. Explore in the Explore page. Search up keto, see what you find.
You're going to like what you see. You're going to. But then now imagine as you're looking at it, that being the only thing you eat for the rest of your life.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: Nine times out of ten, too. It's really shameful and fat. Phobic.
[00:08:33] Speaker A: What is?
[00:08:34] Speaker B: The whole rhetoric around being keto?
I feel fat, so I'm not going to eat fruit. Okay.
[00:08:41] Speaker A: I've literally never met an actual person in the flesh. I know through friends that they have family members who went keto to lose weight, but I've actually never met a person who is doing it to lose weight in the flesh. Like, everybody I've ever met is just doing it because it's a fad. And they're perfectly they're fine.
[00:08:58] Speaker B: It's like some skinny bits just being like, I'm keto.
[00:09:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:02] Speaker B: Because it's a fad.
[00:09:03] Speaker A: I really don't like that it's a fat. It's scary that somebody's out there trying to kill us all with this diet.
[00:09:09] Speaker B: Yeah. It's like those bitches that pretend they're vegan when they're not because they think it's like, cool. They found a diet that to them, sounds like veganism, but you get to eat cheeseburgers and whatever. So they're like, I'm Keto. They think it's like, aesthetic, maybe. They're like, yeah, I'm Keto. Careful. My body's a temple.
[00:09:30] Speaker A: It's easy.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: My body's a temple. It's temple. Run, mama. Because you don't got much time left.
[00:09:35] Speaker A: Yeah. Run from that heart attack, bitch, run.
[00:09:38] Speaker B: And I'm not sitting here pretending like know Jessica Alba, but these Keto bitches are the ones running their mouths.
[00:09:46] Speaker A: It's not even about that. It's just about the belief that fruits should not be eaten. It's like they were created perfectly for us.
[00:09:54] Speaker B: They're like the, like, filled with juicy. Picture being trapped. You're just like a prehistoric man in the wilderness. The first person to discover a melon, and you come across this thing, this egg growing on a tree. This gorgeous fear that you pluck from the tree. You crack it open and the smells of earth and sweetness and the colors of orange and gorgeousness. Meet your eyes and your nose and you put it against your lips and there's juice dripping out that's perfect the.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: Entire bulb that you just found hanging, dripping from the tree. Full filled, edible, juicy melon.
[00:10:38] Speaker B: And you're depriving yourself of that so you could what?
[00:10:41] Speaker A: You're fearful of sugar. Look inward on that one.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: Oh, my God. We're rolling.
He has issues. Do I need to tone it down? Do I need to tone everything down?
[00:10:57] Speaker C: Can't handle this anymore.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: Merle, is that you?
[00:11:00] Speaker A: Merle? No, it's Barbara.
[00:11:03] Speaker B: Barbara.
[00:11:04] Speaker A: You're going to fucking forget again.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: I'm forgetful. I'm a woman of a zebra.
[00:11:10] Speaker C: Owes me money.
[00:11:11] Speaker B: She owes me money.
[00:11:13] Speaker A: I owe no one money. Matter of fact, you owe me money.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: Uh oh.
[00:11:17] Speaker C: Well, as a matter of fact, I don't have no money left over.
[00:11:21] Speaker B: You come over, you have cake and cookies. We do. On top. I have sauce on the stove. I feed you. We break bread together.
[00:11:29] Speaker C: You would have seen it. I lost it on the horses that evening.
[00:11:32] Speaker B: You can't do the off track betting. You can't do it.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: It was a sure thing. It was a sure thing.
[00:11:38] Speaker B: They always say it's a short thing.
[00:11:41] Speaker A: What is this, some kind of a podcast? Are we on a podcast?
[00:11:44] Speaker B: All the kids nowadays with the podcast.
[00:11:47] Speaker C: Podcast, they're up, they're down. I mean, what's going on with those things?
[00:11:51] Speaker A: They just think everything they say is interesting.
[00:11:53] Speaker B: What, do you want me to listen to you for an hour? I have other things to do. I have sauce on the stove. You want me to listen to you?
[00:11:58] Speaker A: What are we talking about? Britney Spears? What are the kids talking?
[00:12:02] Speaker B: Get me started on that. Kim Kardashian and Slut. Slut?
[00:12:07] Speaker C: Slut. Britney Spears? More like Britney hears nothing. They were trying to tell her.
[00:12:13] Speaker B: She looks like an idiot with her boobs out.
[00:12:16] Speaker C: She's just confused.
[00:12:17] Speaker A: Listen, these days they don't have mentors, right?
[00:12:20] Speaker B: I mean, when we was growing up, you listen, you respected your elders. Nowadays, it's fuck you.
[00:12:27] Speaker A: Yeah, and the fucking cussing.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: With the cussing, out in public with the tears. I'm in the grocery store, you'd think I'm in a nightclub with the cussing?
[00:12:36] Speaker A: They're talking like sailors on the street with kids around.
[00:12:40] Speaker B: I'm here with my grandson.
[00:12:41] Speaker C: It's that new age expressionism. That's what it's called. It's called new age expressionism. It's called using cussing words in a.
[00:12:51] Speaker B: New way I don't like.
[00:12:52] Speaker C: Expresses your feelings.
[00:12:53] Speaker A: Oh, God, don't get me started on this mental health shit when I was a kid.
[00:12:58] Speaker B: Want to know what you did for your mental health? You went to bed, you got beat.
[00:13:06] Speaker A: And we're rolling.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: Hi.
Phil's here.
[00:13:16] Speaker C: Hi, guys. What's happening?
[00:13:18] Speaker B: What isn't happening? So maybe you're enjoying a pumpkin spice latte. Maybe you're outside, you're hearing the swoosh of a breeze.
[00:13:27] Speaker A: A girl walks down. Everybody in her direction. Ugg.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: Boots, oh, yeah. Massively large scarves quilted the tightest light blue jean so tight a cardigan that passes her wrists and dangles betwixts her fingertips as she walks and clutches on to a nice mug. She's cold a late dusted with cinnamon. Happy fall.
Happy fall, ladies and gentlemen, it is Spooky motherfucking season. It's the season of the witch.
[00:14:01] Speaker C: The witch is upon us.
[00:14:03] Speaker A: And that brings us to our topic for the day.
[00:14:07] Speaker B: Witches. What? Witches. What?
[00:14:09] Speaker A: Witches.
[00:14:10] Speaker B: Witches.
[00:14:11] Speaker A: Okay, so here's my first question. Does anybody know Wiccan? Do we call them Wiccans? When do we call them Wiccans? Or is that just, like, a fun word?
[00:14:22] Speaker C: Are you asking if, like, a Wiccan describes the entire witch umbrella?
[00:14:26] Speaker B: That sounds like what you're asking, right?
[00:14:28] Speaker C: I feel like Wiccan is, like an official subsidiary witch type among the witch people.
[00:14:34] Speaker B: Like, there's Wiccans and then there's Glinda, the good witch.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: There's Sandwiches, which is the type of witch whom has concoctions and such.
[00:14:45] Speaker C: Usually they pay a good amount of money to be where they're at as Wiccans.
[00:14:49] Speaker B: Holly's spilling all over herself.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: I need help.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: What do you need, baby? Put this down. Give me the coffee. Let me put it on the table.
[00:14:59] Speaker A: No, I don't want it on the table. It's unsteady on this table then. I'm so far away from it.
[00:15:04] Speaker B: Put it on the ground.
[00:15:04] Speaker A: Here's what I'll do.
It's fine. I'm fine. EW. I hate that I'm dealing with this.
[00:15:11] Speaker B: Just wipe it on your shoulder and.
[00:15:12] Speaker A: I watch it happen in slow motion.
Is that a paper towel I see?
[00:15:17] Speaker C: Yeah, it's all scrunched up.
[00:15:18] Speaker A: Boom. Crisis averted. There's an old rag.
[00:15:21] Speaker C: Crisis has been averted. First girl I ever dated was a Wiccan, a self proclaimed Wiccan.
[00:15:26] Speaker A: Tell us about her.
[00:15:27] Speaker C: Well, I was 15. She was 14.
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Pedo.
[00:15:30] Speaker C: We were children. We were children.
We were children. And she was a self proclaimed Wiccan. And that was my first ever experience with Wiccan territory, with witch territory of any kind. I didn't know anything about modern day witches before that point. I didn't know there was, like, this witch phenomena going on. It was like a tumblr thing.
[00:15:51] Speaker B: Before I get into the nasty of it because I'm a nasty, hateful bitch, I would like to say that this episode, so far, out of all of them, hits the closest to home for me. Okay. I would like to, before I shit talk fake witches, I'm that girl, okay?
[00:16:06] Speaker C: Witch girl.
[00:16:07] Speaker B: Exactly.
I could tell you I don't know much about witches, but I remember one time I made a candle, and at some point I had to put a Wick in.
I love the aesthetic, but I don't claim to be a real witch.
[00:16:25] Speaker A: Okay, so you have a girlfriend, 14 x.
[00:16:28] Speaker B: He's not currently dating a 14 year old.
[00:16:30] Speaker C: My first ever relationship in my human life.
[00:16:33] Speaker A: Was it scary? Did she do things?
[00:16:36] Speaker B: Did she have a big green nose, a wart on her cheek, and a pointy black hat?
[00:16:39] Speaker C: She was witchy in a very terrible, unhealthy way.
[00:16:43] Speaker B: Describe the way because I feel like there's a couple of different types. Was she standing over a cauldron with, like, fog coming out? Was she just collecting amethyst?
[00:16:52] Speaker C: She could do things in front of you that she thought would affect you in your real life. She thought she couldn't make certain symbolisms happen, and then that would affect you.
[00:17:03] Speaker A: I'm schizophrenic.
[00:17:06] Speaker C: She would, like, take a little baggie, throw some mouse bones into it, cut some of her own blood into it.
[00:17:13] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:17:13] Speaker C: Mix it with chicken powder and then tie it up and throw it under your bed.
[00:17:18] Speaker B: I love that.
[00:17:19] Speaker C: If you've been having a shitty day, that's because of me. That's because I put that little sack under your bed.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: I think she's an icon, actually, because.
[00:17:28] Speaker B: This New Age, let's call them, like, bushwick witches, she at least tried yeah, there was blood involved. There was bones involved.
[00:17:35] Speaker C: I love that commitment.
[00:17:36] Speaker B: Commitment. Like if the only thing that makes you a witch is your crescent moon tattoo and amethyst, I'm not buying it. If you're gutting a mouse and cutting your blood into it, we could talk.
[00:17:49] Speaker A: Like, if you have a journey in your future where you have to get the tail of a dragon, the tears.
[00:17:56] Speaker B: Of a mermaid, three witch eyes, the fingers of virgin girls. That's what I need. I need hocus pocus level witchery. If you want to be a witch around me. No half assing it.
[00:18:08] Speaker A: What is she like now?
[00:18:09] Speaker C: I think she's left her witch behaviors behind.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: Oh, no.
[00:18:13] Speaker B: Did she find God?
[00:18:14] Speaker C: She might have found God. She learned that having not one but two kids doesn't make you less of a witch.
[00:18:20] Speaker A: Was it a teen pregnancy? Just out of curiosity.
[00:18:27] Speaker C: If we count 19 as a teen, yes.
[00:18:30] Speaker B: Let's build a witch. We're going to build a witch. You heard a Build a bear. We're building a witch. Truly?
You think I am? Truly? Truly. Who do you think I am? Wait, we have to get the audio really loud. We have to get the audio hold on.
[00:18:45] Speaker A: Really loud.
[00:18:47] Speaker B: Yes. Double trouble, boiling trouble.
Oh, yeah.
So how to build a witch? Because we're not talking witches. Witches. Okay, because let's set the tone. Okay. There's hocus pocus, Boyle'in trouble, green wizard of Oz, pointy hat, broomstick, Dorothy, they're coming for you. And then there's TikTok girls in bushwick with microbangs. Two different kinds. So we're building a witch. We're building a modern witch, a bush witch.
[00:19:21] Speaker C: Lots of dreadlocks.
[00:19:22] Speaker B: It's fully a white woman with dreadlocks and a septum piercing and boho tumblr. No, it's pinterest and etsy big etsy energy. A black, lengthy bob with microbangs, a villainous, 20s brow.
[00:19:37] Speaker A: How old is she?
[00:19:38] Speaker B: She's, like, freshly 19. Anywhere between 19 and 23.
[00:19:43] Speaker A: Barista. Did we say that one yet?
[00:19:45] Speaker C: Oh, definitely a barista was raised a Christian.
[00:19:48] Speaker B: Oh, definitely raised a Christian.
[00:19:49] Speaker C: Disconnected from her tyrant religious past and became anew with the environment.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: But she was never a religious Christian. The family wasn't religious. She didn't grow up going to church. Maybe she went on Easter. Maybe they went on Christmas Eve, and then she or they or he or whoever rejected it and then became a witch. I grew up with spell books. I grew up with wizardology books. So I get it, and I'm that girl.
[00:20:19] Speaker C: It's cool. It looks very cool. It seems very cool. It goes align with a lot of other things. It goes align with environmentalism. It goes in line with well, no.
[00:20:29] Speaker B: Because we're talking about fake bitches. So these are the bitches that get, like, big Macs and Diet Cokes, but they're like, I'm a witch.
First of all, if you want to know where you could find a witch, she has microbings, a lengthy black bob, septum piercing, crescent moon tattoo.
[00:20:44] Speaker A: She carries three books.
[00:20:45] Speaker B: Three books. No.
[00:20:46] Speaker A: Backpack with one arm.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: The only thing in the back. The only thing in the backpack is an empty pack of cigarettes, a dead vape yeah.
[00:20:54] Speaker A: Black lipstick.
[00:20:55] Speaker C: It's the witching hour.
[00:20:58] Speaker B: Oh, that's another thing. You need a witch laugh. Like, if you want to call yourself a witch, I better hear.
[00:21:04] Speaker C: They're not laughs, though. They're cackles.
[00:21:07] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:21:07] Speaker C: A witch doesn't laugh. A witch cackles.
[00:21:10] Speaker B: You can't be like this. I'm a witch. You have to be like, I'm a witch. You have to go above and beyond. Like, I need to see you with a broomstick.
[00:21:19] Speaker A: You need to be a little bit.
[00:21:20] Speaker B: Mentally ill. Oh, like, off the chain, mentally ill, tea drinking, amethyst necklace wearing, cropped band he ass, chunky glasses, microbangs bitch.
[00:21:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: And want to know where you could find a witch? Five below. You will always find at least three witches in five below at all times. All right, so here's the age ranges of where to find a witch. In my opinion, anywhere between the ages of twelve to 14. You could find them at Spencer's or Hot Topic in the back, talking with the employees. That's a little too old for comfort.
[00:21:52] Speaker A: They usually have a good book bag with a Nightmare Before Christmas fully.
[00:21:58] Speaker B: Their bangs aren't microbangs yet. They're as chunky side bang. Then from ages like 14 to I would say, maybe wait, back to the Tweens.
[00:22:06] Speaker A: They dyed their hair black, so it's coming off as a wig, but it's not really a wig.
[00:22:12] Speaker B: And you have like an inch of, like, dirty blonde to brown roots and then blue black hair down to the.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: Bottom and you can see their scalp for some reason.
I don't know why.
Okay, so we're going up. We're going up now.
[00:22:26] Speaker B: Ages 16 through 19, you could find.
[00:22:29] Speaker A: Them in Five Below, where we were.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: Basically, I'm just taking you through my life, all right?
[00:22:34] Speaker A: This is the time of identity. This is when you're charging some rocks on the sidewalk under the moon.
[00:22:42] Speaker C: See, the annoying part is these are cool things that these people are into. They're into interesting shit.
[00:22:48] Speaker B: I like rocks.
[00:22:50] Speaker C: I like things that smell good. I like Wispy styles.
I like to plant plants everywhere. The difference is people who feel the need to label themselves with something that speaks upon their actions. Like they're like, I do this and this and this, not because I want to, but because I'm a wit, but because I follow the witch creed. It's because I have witch sisters or brothers, whatever.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: Also, it's very easy for people who call themselves a witch or participate in witchy activities to enter kind of a narcissistic viewpoint of like, I know more than you, I'm more powerful than you, and I'm special.
[00:23:24] Speaker A: It's gatekeeping because why does there have to be an outfit associated with it?
[00:23:28] Speaker B: Yeah, that's another thing about fashion. It's like if I want to wear a little witchy outfit, it doesn't mean I'm a witch. Just means I like the aesthetic right now in this time. So that's what I'm going to put on my body. It doesn't mean I have to be a devoted Wiccan who has all the knowledge of everything. Like, no, I just like the outfit.
[00:23:45] Speaker A: They're the type who are going to be like, dude, get off your phone. You're missing the world.
[00:23:51] Speaker B: They're the name three songs, bitches. Like I like Nirvana. Oh, yeah, name three songs. That's them. Where witches meet. Autumn Girls. That mixture in between an Autumn Girl is a pumpkin spice latte. Christian loving, Bible humping tennessee white sweaters. White sweaters. Ugg boots. And then a witch would be hocus pocus. The Ven diagram where they meet. That's what I'm talking about. It goes with the coven thing, too. Like, if you say you're in a coven, I want people in white gowns in the forest, over a fire, cackling, throwing small animals. I want the fantasy naked, butt naked, hysterical, laughing and crying at the same time. While you slit a goat's throat.
[00:24:33] Speaker C: My shit like I want to get wild if you invite me to a witch party, I want to bathe in something that's not water.
[00:24:41] Speaker B: There needs to be an arc of, like, scared into confused into, numb into.
[00:24:47] Speaker A: Joy, represented by a growing raging fire that's getting a little out of hand.
[00:24:53] Speaker B: It's not just going to be, oh, manic panic, hair dye and an Instagram filter that makes you a witch. I need crop circles.
[00:25:04] Speaker C: I need commitment, man. I need you to become animalistic, because that's the whole creed thing. You get down, you venture into your shadow self, your dark self.
[00:25:16] Speaker B: I want you walking down a long corridor with a candle while doors just close behind you as you walk. All these bitches that call themselves a witch. You're not giving me the fantasy because you could be closing the doors with a string. But as long as you commit to the fantasy, I don't care if it's real fake. I just need the fantasy.
[00:25:37] Speaker A: I feel like there's two fantasies. One being the green Jew with big.
[00:25:42] Speaker B: Nose like Disney witch.
[00:25:44] Speaker A: The other being trouble. No, like the Christian fear of women running around a fire. You know what it is? What's so nice? The thought of it is you take all these people who have all of these not just women, men, too, are invited.
[00:26:01] Speaker B: But there's something about painting your face with your own period blood. That's fierce.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: But, dude, every human's rolled up into this straitjacket of being proper and manners, and I'm missing a word, societal norms, such and such.
And then they're all just rolled out in a forest. Just rolled out. And as they roll out, they pick up leaves on the way. Like their body's picking up leaves on the way and shit in that metaphor meaning that all of their human civilization things shedding, are sheding, and they're just like back into the wild, naked and.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: Free, enchanting and cackling.
But then these bitches in Bushwick just take an Advil and watch Hocus Pocus and think they're a witch.
[00:26:52] Speaker C: Yeah, but they're coming straight from NYU. Half the people in Bushwick at this point.
[00:26:57] Speaker A: Then there are witches who are sexist witches in the sense that they're all women, all feminine with white drapes, and we go on women's retreats, which sounds nice, but it all sounds nice. All those things cost money. I know that for a fact.
[00:27:13] Speaker B: It's Nicole Kidman.
[00:27:14] Speaker A: Witches and men need to be a part of it.
[00:27:16] Speaker B: Yeah, men need to get their witch on.
[00:27:18] Speaker C: They're trying. They're trying because it's very inherently feminist.
[00:27:23] Speaker B: Because the real witches was just sexism women being murdered for having an opinion.
[00:27:28] Speaker C: A lot of it is anti patriarchy. It's like straight up Barbie movie shit. Like, it's guys suck and let's make something for ourselves.
[00:27:36] Speaker B: That's a huge which I prefer a guy that sucks but hurt.
But I need you to instead be sucking the youth out of a like, that's what I need. You know what mean? Like, can you suck the life out of a goat instead? Because then I'll call you a witch. I need the Blair Witch Project.
[00:27:54] Speaker A: You need to find someone staring in the mirror going.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: I want someone to look in the mirror, have a single teardrop roll, and then the mirror shatters. But if you just have a pumpkin spice candle lit in your room, you're not a witch. If there's a pumpkin spice candle in your room while you're levitating four inches above your bed, humming. But it's never going to happen because magic isn't real. And that's why we're in Hollywood.
[00:28:20] Speaker C: I feel like there are two sides to witchdom.
[00:28:23] Speaker A: Tell us.
[00:28:23] Speaker C: There's the side we don't want to be a part of and the side that we're okay with, but the side that we want to be okay with is the side that encourages holistic medicine, encourages mindfulness, one with nature, proper environmental good things.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: Do you call yourself a witch? If you share those values, though, you.
[00:28:44] Speaker C: Just call yourself a decent human, right? But if you really, really need a label, if you need to be part of some club, if you're a club person, you're like, I need a club. If I'm not part of a club, then go for the new age witch thing. Just don't be a douche about it.
[00:29:01] Speaker B: I hate witches that are like they just again, goes back to the narcissism thing. They just assume that everyone else around them is their eyes are shut. Just because I don't proclaim that I'm a witch, I have my spiritual little tendencies or whatever, but if you ask me, are you a witch? And I say no, you're going to go, well, looks like some of us have our third eyes still closed over here. That's the shit I hate. Like, bitch, you have pinterest, okay? That's where you're getting your information from. So let's chill out.
[00:29:29] Speaker A: If your Instagram page was dismantled and taken away from you, would you still be a witch?
[00:29:38] Speaker B: If your wardrobe was stripped of you and your Instagram was shut down, would you be a witch? No, you wouldn't be. But want to know who would be? The naked cackling lady, the person you always judged. She was always there watching, plotting deeper and deeper.
I'm the type of witch where I say I come alive in the fall, but the reality is, I'm just as insufferable all year round as I am in the fall. I also have a smoking problem.
[00:30:07] Speaker C: Halloween is like, all year for me also.
I haven't had a relationship that lasted longer than six months.
[00:30:17] Speaker B: Like, I feel attacked this whole episode. Really, I do.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: Should we all look inward?
[00:30:22] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm looking inward. If you need any witch accessories, I have way too many. I mean, I could look anywhere all I want because I'm a vain bitch. Okay? I'm aware that I do things for the. Aesthetic. I love decorating. My room looks like a party city exploded.
[00:30:39] Speaker C: This is an amazing thing.
[00:30:40] Speaker A: How am I a witch?
[00:30:42] Speaker B: You're a witch in the naked cockling pubic hair kind of way.
[00:30:47] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
[00:30:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:49] Speaker A: I have hairy armpits.
[00:30:50] Speaker C: If I didn't know you, if I randomly met you, I'd be like, you seem a little witchy, but I'm not going to characterize you as a witch right off the bat because you didn't.
[00:31:00] Speaker B: Tell me and your atheist because you.
[00:31:02] Speaker C: Didn'T come up to me and be like, by the way, in case you weren't wondering, I'm a witch.
[00:31:07] Speaker A: That's a good way to identify it.
[00:31:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:09] Speaker C: Oftentimes, if someone is a witch, you won't need to wonder about it.
[00:31:13] Speaker B: Oh, no. You'll know?
[00:31:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:14] Speaker C: There will be no curiosity involved. It'll be thrown in your face.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: It's because they're behind the counter of a Starbucks.
[00:31:21] Speaker C: By the way, this is important information about me. More important than my name?
[00:31:25] Speaker A: By the way, I'm a witch, so I'm able to see which astrological sign.
[00:31:30] Speaker B: We'Re getting into last week's topic.
[00:31:32] Speaker A: I know, but it's all connected. It's all connected.
[00:31:35] Speaker B: It is all connected. So we're doing Tarot cards on the pod.
[00:31:39] Speaker C: Oh, my God, I've been waiting for this moment.
[00:31:41] Speaker B: Can I try to be, like, a bullshit artist and see if I could just, like bullshit a reading?
[00:31:45] Speaker C: Of course.
[00:31:46] Speaker A: Tell us what it means, and I'm gonna find it.
[00:31:47] Speaker B: Holly, pick out three random cards for me. And we're gonna do past, present and future. Okay, so we have the sun, the Moon and the Hanged man. So it seems to me like your past was the sun, which was very you were truly yourself. You were thriving, you were happy.
The moon is where you are at now. You're reflecting inward on yourself. This is a time of quietness for your soul. And in the future, we get the Hanged Man, which seems a little dark. It seems a little dark, hon. I wouldn't say these cards are in your favor, but that's nothing that can't be fixed with a nice purchase of this Amethyst crystal for 39 99. I could do it again for three small payments of 79 99 plus shipping and handling.
Can we do it for 60 for you? Because I could tell you have a witchy energy. I could do it for 65.
[00:32:49] Speaker A: Okay, do another.
[00:32:51] Speaker B: So we have death.
[00:32:53] Speaker A: What?
[00:32:55] Speaker B: We have an unnamed card that is a picture of a cat chewing a cardboard box.
[00:33:01] Speaker A: Oh, my God. But it kind of looks like a coffin.
[00:33:04] Speaker B: It kind of does look like a coffin. And then next we have Queen of Pentacles.
[00:33:08] Speaker A: What's pentacles?
[00:33:09] Speaker B: I don't know, Mama.
[00:33:10] Speaker A: Well, what am I paying you for?
[00:33:12] Speaker B: By I don't know, I mean, that this it's all very interpretive, you see? And the Queen of Pentacles card is one that has been debated over for centuries. Now, looking at this lineup and reading your energy I think that you're escaping death. And death doesn't mean you drop death. It could mean you're at a time in your life where things are on pause. It could be you're going through turmoil in this moment. Okay. Through change, we find ourselves learning, growing and thriving. So if you keep this up okay, hold this. Tell me how that feels in your hand.
[00:33:51] Speaker A: Feels right.
[00:33:52] Speaker B: And that's the energy you need to hold on to if you want to be her.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: Okay. I can do this.
[00:33:58] Speaker B: You could do I believe in you. And the cards believe in you. Most importantly, you believe in thank you.
[00:34:04] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:34:05] Speaker B: Now, if you want to just walk through our gift shop. Wow.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: Everything's so beautiful.
[00:34:09] Speaker B: Everything's gorgeous. And I have your birthstone over here.
[00:34:13] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:34:14] Speaker B: It was made for you. And we have tote bags, too.
[00:34:18] Speaker A: You know what? I'll just package everything in there, right?
[00:34:20] Speaker B: Because the environment right over the shoulder. It's very cute, very in. Yeah.
[00:34:25] Speaker A: All right, you next.
[00:34:27] Speaker B: Now, I want you to hold this deck for me. I want you to close your eyes.
[00:34:30] Speaker C: Close my eyes.
Okay.
[00:34:33] Speaker B: And I want you to feel the deck because it's all about the relationship you have with the cards.
[00:34:39] Speaker C: It feels square.
[00:34:41] Speaker B: It's actually a rectangle, but square works.
[00:34:44] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:34:45] Speaker B: Now I'm going to want you to hand me whichever card feels right.
[00:34:49] Speaker C: I guess I'll take this one.
[00:34:51] Speaker B: Good job.
You're doing great. We have I thought that said hermaphrodite.
I don't know how to read. Help me.
[00:34:59] Speaker C: The Hierophant.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: The Hierophant.
[00:35:04] Speaker C: Does that mean I win?
[00:35:05] Speaker B: It does mean you win.
[00:35:06] Speaker C: But what do I win?
[00:35:08] Speaker B: This card means that you are right now at a time in your life where you feel vulnerable and confused.
[00:35:15] Speaker C: I feel vulnerable as fuck, and I don't know what's going on.
[00:35:18] Speaker B: You're somebody who likes to wear black a lot.
[00:35:22] Speaker C: I like to wear black, but only if it's skin tight.
[00:35:25] Speaker B: You're somebody who trusts people. Way too easy.
[00:35:29] Speaker C: Everyone lies to me, but I'm okay with it.
[00:35:32] Speaker B: You find yourself being lied to. A lot, taken advantage of.
[00:35:35] Speaker C: What can I do?
[00:35:36] Speaker B: I'll tell you what you could do. You need healing. And we have some lovely rose quartz.
[00:35:41] Speaker C: I have money. Will you take that?
[00:35:44] Speaker B: I will take it for you. I will take it. I think that you, right now are at a point in life where you need to focus on giving. You need to focus on trusting and handing money to me. That's what you need.
[00:35:56] Speaker C: Here's my bank account numbers.
[00:35:58] Speaker B: Hold on. Let me get a pen.
[00:35:59] Speaker C: Oh, my God. I feel better already.
[00:36:01] Speaker B: Ready? Now tell me your Social Security.
Now our time is up. Like I said, there is a gift shop right outside, and I believe that you need I believe you need the rose quartz.
[00:36:12] Speaker C: Oh, my God. The rose quartz is so me.
Oh, my God, I feel so enlightened. I'm going to go spread the word.
[00:36:20] Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you.
[00:36:22] Speaker A: Okay. I want to give it a try.
[00:36:23] Speaker B: Give it a try.
[00:36:24] Speaker A: Hi, nice to meet you.
[00:36:25] Speaker B: Hi.
[00:36:26] Speaker A: Go ahead and pick out three cards. Whatever comes to you. Thank you.
[00:36:30] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:36:31] Speaker A: We have the page of Pentacles, king of wands, and justice.
[00:36:37] Speaker B: What does it mean, though, the page of wands?
[00:36:40] Speaker A: This is what's happening on the inside. You have spirit drive. The king of wands means what is happening on the inside is being reflected on the outside.
[00:36:52] Speaker B: That feels like you could tell what's happening with me.
[00:36:56] Speaker A: I can tell that you're a strong person.
[00:37:00] Speaker B: I really am.
[00:37:02] Speaker A: Do you react in the world violently ever?
[00:37:06] Speaker B: No.
[00:37:11] Speaker A: These are good outbursts. You're letting it out. You might want to keep that in check, though, because in this last one, justice, this is what everyone sees of you.
[00:37:23] Speaker B: It's so funny you say that, because I'm actually wearing justice earrings right now. It's like, crazy.
[00:37:29] Speaker A: Wow. So justice is important to you.
[00:37:32] Speaker B: Crazy. Yeah.
[00:37:33] Speaker A: You're a soldier, and you've been through a lot.
[00:37:37] Speaker B: It's, like, really hard, what I've been through.
I feel like I could trust you. I'm actually a witch, so a lot of times I'm misunderstood and people try to burn me at the stake, so it's a lot. I've been through a lot. Have you ever heard of the Salem Witch trials?
[00:37:54] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:37:54] Speaker B: I'm actually a reincarnation.
[00:37:56] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:37:58] Speaker B: I still hold on to a lot of that trauma.
[00:38:01] Speaker A: That might be where the fire within you comes from.
[00:38:04] Speaker B: Oh, my God. And I'm in Aries. I'm a fire sign.
[00:38:08] Speaker C: Holy shit.
[00:38:10] Speaker A: Oh, my God. I'm going to recommend you might want to see your doctor for anxiety pills.
[00:38:18] Speaker B: My therapist has been telling me that this whole time.
It's crazy. It's like, why would I even go to the doctor when I could just come to you?
[00:38:25] Speaker A: Well, our time actually is almost.
[00:38:30] Speaker B: No, I want to buy another round, but I only make minimum wage at Starbucks.
[00:38:36] Speaker A: Yeah, that's not going to work. I actually have another guest coming in.
[00:38:41] Speaker B: I totally understand that. I'm a freelance employee as well, so I completely understand where you're coming from as a business owner.
[00:38:49] Speaker A: Yeah. So you can go ahead and the front door is right there. Okay.
[00:38:54] Speaker B: I just have a question before I go. Do you feel like I'm different and special and more unique than anyone else you've ever talked to?
[00:39:00] Speaker A: No, but I'm happy that this reflected what you've been feeling.
[00:39:05] Speaker B: And it's so funny you said reflected because I just bought a crescent moon mirror from five below. It's like we're kind of in sync up here, right?
[00:39:13] Speaker A: John, the weird one still here.
[00:39:15] Speaker C: If, at the end of the day, you're faced with a witch or a bear, run away from the bear.
[00:39:20] Speaker B: No, run away from the witch and.
[00:39:22] Speaker C: Talk to the witch. And indeed, always remember that witches can't be trusted. Basically, we think that they're there, they exist and we acknowledge that, but stop.
[00:39:36] Speaker B: Stop existing for me. My thing is, and I've said this time and time again, okay, I'm a witchy, bitch, okay? I don't claim to be a witch, but I like the aesthetic, and I think we need to amp it up more. I think we need to walk around with fog machines. I think we need to camp it up, ham it up a little bit, you know what I mean?
[00:39:59] Speaker C: Amp it up. If you're going to be a witch, let's see some smoke trailing behind you.
[00:40:04] Speaker B: Let's see. I want a talking cat, a black.
[00:40:07] Speaker C: Cat or two speaking English, maybe a crow, maybe an owl, definitely maybe even a rat. We're here in New York, baby. It's live. If you walk out with a rat on your shoulders and you have a pointy hat and you're speaking something that resembles some slight of wisdom.
[00:40:21] Speaker B: No, I don't want you walking out like that. I want you floating out of the room with a rat. And also, we live in New York City. Like you said. Don't go to Petco and get a mouse.
[00:40:30] Speaker C: Hell no.
[00:40:31] Speaker B: Go outside and summon an army of rats. Like, I want winds blowing around you while you summon rats towards you. Howl. I want to see you howling at the moon.
[00:40:42] Speaker A: That's so funny.
[00:40:43] Speaker B: One time I put a spell on someone, or at least I tried to, a coworker who I thought was cute. This was years ago, and I wanted to put a spell on him, and so I did, and then I never saw him again. He quit cold turkey. Didn't even put his two week in, like, the night I did it.
[00:40:57] Speaker C: What spell did you put on him.
[00:40:59] Speaker A: To make him fall in love with you?
[00:41:01] Speaker B: And I don't do reversed.
[00:41:03] Speaker A: You must have did something wrong, because.
[00:41:04] Speaker B: I don't do spell books and stuff like that. I was just putting my energy into an object and then slid that object into the cash register that he was using.
[00:41:12] Speaker A: I love that.
[00:41:13] Speaker B: And then he quit that day.
[00:41:15] Speaker C: You put a little bit too much milk thistle, maybe slightly too much pig blood.
[00:41:19] Speaker B: Yeah, no, I don't think I put enough pig blood.
[00:41:21] Speaker A: I think you forgot the fingernail.
[00:41:22] Speaker B: I forgot the fingernail and dead man's toe.
[00:41:25] Speaker C: Very important. Very important.
[00:41:26] Speaker B: And the way I saw it is I was like, basically the intention was like, I'm going to make this person fall in love with me. Clearly that was not possible. So he was just removed from my life.
[00:41:37] Speaker A: I feel like I want to do little things like that now.
[00:41:40] Speaker C: Do it and then tell people it's because of your witchy being.
[00:41:43] Speaker B: I mean, there were some things that are pretty witchy like. Remember when we were on acid in that cabin and we were doing the Ouija board and then the door swung open and the candle blew out in the middle of it? That was pretty witchy.
[00:41:54] Speaker A: My mom was pretty witchy.
[00:41:55] Speaker C: Do you think that affected your overall witchiness up to this point? Do you think that you trail those licks and likes of your mother?
[00:42:05] Speaker A: No, I don't think the witchy part, no. Do you feel like I have those? It's like she was witchy in aesthetic. Like having a lot of cats witchy and playing the Ouija board on her own.
[00:42:19] Speaker B: Like, she was a witch, but she was a real witch.
[00:42:21] Speaker C: See, she is what we would call a good witch.
[00:42:26] Speaker B: What's your best witch laugh? I know that's not your best witch laugh.
[00:42:30] Speaker A: I can do better.
[00:42:31] Speaker C: Let it loose.
[00:42:32] Speaker B: I've seen your normal laugh be 20 times which year?
[00:42:35] Speaker A: Yeah, but that's something that comes from another place.
[00:42:38] Speaker C: I can't oh, you have to conjure that, though. Can I inspire you?
[00:42:45] Speaker B: That is good.
[00:42:46] Speaker A: You're not going to get that out of me. But that was probably matter of fact, you should consider doing voiceovers for voice acting. That's what it's called.
[00:42:56] Speaker B: If there's a role for a witch, I see it for you.
Do.
[00:43:06] Speaker A: You got one, Michael.
[00:43:06] Speaker B: I don't know if I can come out with that energy. This is a good one.
I'm, like, literally a witch. Stop it.
[00:43:17] Speaker C: See, that's probably more accurate than is that's probably a lot more accurate.
[00:43:21] Speaker B: It's like, stop, I'm a witch. You don't want to see me mad I'm a scorpio. You don't want to see me mad I'm a witch.
[00:43:29] Speaker A: I'm crazy. If you're on your broomstick, ride in.
[00:43:35] Speaker B: The sky if you're on your way to take over Oz stop and get a pumpkin spice late if you're on.
[00:43:43] Speaker A: The way to an empty dilapidated home that doesn't belong to you but you want to go in there just to see, go in there.
[00:43:52] Speaker B: If you're on your way to five below, buy those sticks get those incense you deserve.
[00:43:58] Speaker A: You don't deserve them, but get them anyways.
[00:44:00] Speaker B: Get them anyway because you said so. If you're drinking a chamomile tea I'm.
[00:44:07] Speaker A: Drinking a chamomile tea.
[00:44:08] Speaker B: Are you really? Good for you. Good for you. Come over to apartment one R. Everything.
[00:44:17] Speaker A: That you decide to do, do it while you're listening to apartment one R.
[00:44:21] Speaker B: If you're conceiving a child, put apartment one R on in the background. If you're at a loved one's funeral, play apartment one R. If you're interviewing for your first job, do it while blasting apartment one R. There is no wrong occasion for us by.
[00:44:42] Speaker A: Good night.
[00:44:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:44:44] Speaker A: Don't let the peg bikes bite.
[00:44:50] Speaker B: Good night, bitch. I love you. I really do.
[00:44:54] Speaker A: Check under the bed. We might be there. Uh oh.
[00:44:57] Speaker B: Have fun with your cauldron. Have fun with your dry ice. Have fun with your instagram addiction. Have fun with your microbangs. Have fun with your dermal piercing. Have fun with your crescent moon tattoo. Have fun with your Ouija board covered in dust.
[00:45:13] Speaker A: Have fun because it's spooky season. So let's get witchy.
[00:45:17] Speaker B: Let's get witchy. Witch, please. Witch, please.
[00:45:20] Speaker A: So bye, all you witches out there. And make sure to return for next week's episode of Apartment.
[00:45:25] Speaker B: Uhoh, come back to another episode of because we love you. We love you so much, we're literally, actually obsessed with you.
[00:45:34] Speaker A: Love you.
[00:45:35] Speaker B: I was thinking about you the whole time. I swear to God, I was thinking about you the whole time. He looked just like you. Okay, we're going to go ahead and fuck off. We're going to fuck off. Bye nighty.
